May 2, 2011

A Possiblly Disappointing Story

A mild September wind blew over Chicago. The air was cool and crisp. The afternoon sun's life was dwindling. Four sixteen year-olds wandered through the Marquette Park playground looking for anything to occupy their time.

"So... whaddya guys wanna do?" questioned Sam. He was tall, peachy in complexion, and had deep blue eyes.

"I don't know, something. If you haven't noticed, tomorrow's the last day of summer vacation." snapped Lewis, an African American with caramel skin. He was stocky in figure from two years of playing football.

"I can't believe it's almost the last day already." Lyle said. "It went by WAY too fast. It's ridiculous."

The fourth teenager, Rainn, was Lyle's twin sister. They looked similar; both were slender in figure and bore emerald eyes, and both acted similar; Lyle was a boy version of Rainn and Rainn was a girl version of Lyle.

As the rest of the sun hid behind the horizon, and the streetlights began to light up, the gang of teenagers spotted a woman quickly walking down the sidewalk. She looked as if she were out of breath. At the corner from which she came, a suspicious man now revealed himself from behind the building. He appeared to be chasing her...

The teenagers knew the man was up to no good. As the four students continued to watch the stranger, he moved in closer on the woman. Common sense told Sam to call the police. *Beep* *Beep* *Beep* *Beep* Busy. He tried again. *Beep* *Beep* *Beep* *Beep* Busy again.

“Typical Chicago…” he thought. “Nothing,” he said aloud.

“What should we do? Just forget it or… what?” asked Rainn.

“Nah, can’t let that happen” Lewis said, sounding heroic. “Let’s go see what he’s up to. Rainn, you go talk to the lady. We’ll confront this creep… He walked off towards the man and the lady, and the rest of us reluctantly followed.

Rainn approached the woman cautiously. “Ma’am? Are you alright?”

“Just gotta get away…” she mumbled.

“Is he causing you trouble?”

Her answer stunned Rainn and even made her laugh.


Meanwhile, the guys closed in on the ‘creep’ and Sam asked,

“Sir?” Ignore. “Sir!” he tried again.

“What? What do you want, kid?”

“May I ask what you are doing?”

“Tryin’ to catch this lady…” he said.

“And why?”

“Gotta ask her a question.”

“Something’s wrong,” Lyle told his friends. It was the twin telepathy thing. Having been walking backwards, he turned around and saw his twin sister flailing both of her arms at him, as if it was some kind of signal.

“Keep an eye on this guy,” he said as he changed direction. He ran up to talk to converse with his sister.

Moments later, he, Rainn and the woman returned. Lyle bore a stupid look on his face and asked the man,

“Uh… hehe… so what was the question you were gonna ask?”

“I was going to ask… ” he started with a deep, gruff voice. “Would you like to buy some cookies to help my daughter’s school pay for new sports equipment?” His voice lightened up to relieve the tension. He pulled out a booklet with all kinds of delicious goodies on it. Sam and Lewis stood with jaws on the floor.

“I told you we shouldn’t have done anything,” bragged Rainn.

“Yeah… see, sir, we thought you were gonna do something bad to this woman.” Lewis said, regretfully.

“Oh, I would never!” he exclaimed. “So, ma’am,” he continued, would you like to buy something?” he questioned.

“No, thank you.” she said politely.

“Thank you for your time.” the man responded. The complete strangers walked opposite ways.

“Well, this has been an absolute misfire.” Sam commented.

“Well, at least the police didn’t answer…” Lyle said as the last streetlight illuminated on the busy Chicago street.

5 comments:

  1. I wish you would have written more so the reader can get more of the excitement to really critique it, but nonetheless, it has the startings of a good story, especially the way you left it off.

    Maybe changing the word "figure" when you describe Lyle and Rainn to "frame" since figure was used to describe Lyle.

    The dialogue is good, as this is how teenagers talk. I found Sam's dialogue stood out the most in the aspect.

    Unfortunately, since there isn't much here, I can't ciritque it. It's a good start so far. Hope you continue it.

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  2. The story has a lot of potential. You should have written/posted the whole thing. Great use of dialogue. For now just finish the story. I think its headed towards the right direction.

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  3. Great story just continue it. I want to read more!

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  4. Nice start now you just have to extend it! Didn't see any mistakes except for :

    "I can't believe it's almost the last day already." Lyle said. "It went by WAY too fast. It's ridiculous. <-- I think your missing a quotation mark there.

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  5. For all of those who read my story when it was not finished yet, I apologize drastically. I have changed the plot line of the story. At first, I wanted to make it dramatic, but then I realized it would come out WAAAY too long to be considered a "short" story. *Teardrop* So I decided to make it funny. (At least I hope it was funny to you all...) I labeled the title possibly disappointing because I know some people may be expecting something big to happen, only to have their expectations crushed.
    Again, my apologies.

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